The Best (and Worst) Ways to Make Your Phone Battery Last

> You should also close any draining apps—especially games, maps, social media. And click off location services so the GPS isn’t working overtime. Wait, who are FaceTiming?

> Always stash an Anker portable charger in your bag too. Its PowerIQ helps “deliver an optimum, high-speed charge to all devices.”

> Of course your Anker isn’t working. You used up all the charges three days ago.

> OK. Just keep the phone on airplane mode for now. That should stop your cellular data and Wi-Fi from sapping the battery.

> Seriously, stop turning off airplane mode just to text everyone about how you’re turning on airplane mode.

> Sure, go chat up the bartender. See if he’ll give you a quick charge.

> Are you streaming “Bird Box” right now?

> Yes. Fine. Scream at the phone for 20-30 minutes. I’m sure sonic vibrations will give you a little power—enough to hail an Uber.

> How can an Uber driver not have a phone charger?! This is America!

> Stick your phone out the window. I think the mixture of moonlight and wind power should get you out of the red.

> OK, give me your keys. I read this thing about Ben Franklin recently…

> For the love of god, stop tweeting about your plummeting battery!

> Yes, you’re right, I’m sure some body heat would warm up the lithium ion if we jog a quick marathon or two.

> No, of course you’re smart enough to invent cold fusion. Just maybe not tonight.

> Put. The jumper cables. Down.

> Are you sure the bartender said it was “cool” to crawl though his condo’s window to borrow a power cord? Are those sirens?

> No. No, you absolutely cannot plug your phone in there. Can’t you see the nice officer is charging his stun gun?

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